Friday October 2

by Claire

And this, children, is why we don’t eat a bucket of sugar right before bed. I did not sleep last night until after 2.30am. I tossed and turned as my anxiety spilled over into a psychedelic shit-storm of being worried about EVERYTHING. Even things that usually I’m not that worried about, either because they are made-up scenarios that couldn’t actually happen in real life, or because they are totally fine, mundane occurrences that I shouldn’t worry about because they are fine, and I’m fine, and EVERYTHING IS FINE. Except what if I’m swimming in the ocean and there are all these dead bodies everywhere? And remember that time when I said something awkward in primary school – I was so awkward why aren’t I dead of being too awkward to live yet? And what if I go swimming in a pool and there is an orca in there and it drowns me? And on and on and on for HOURS.

anxiety

After a super-grumpy wake up with Guy at 7am (I’m winning a best girlfriend award sometime soon for sure!) I gave it another go at 8.00. And it was fine – much better than yesterday. Being ‘normal’ tired is different from being fatigued. It’s just a totally different physical condition. It really doesn’t help at all, because normal tired impacts the fatigue I feel, but on its own normal tired is fine.

I did my stretches but skipped the core exercises – according to the Osteopath I’ve been doing them wrong and I need to start with Kegel exercises. So I lay there for a few minutes clenching various inside bits hoping one of them was my kegel spot.

I added berries to my muesli and yoghurt this morning and settled in with Rosie’s review of the Bachelorette. I’ve never been able to put myself through an entire episode of this boring, demeaning, vacuous show, but Rosie nails the reviews every time. I heart you, Rosie!

After breakfast I washed yesterday’s dishes, but as I was finishing I was physically shaking from the effort. I bundled myself into bed and rested for an hour or so before going out to lunch with Guy’s parents.

Lunch was lovely (and shortish, and just over a block away from us, and relaxed – very CFS friendly) and we had a cup of tea back at home, but by the time the visitors left I was just exhausted again. A 2.5 hour nap really sorted me out, and I felt pretty good when I woke up at 5.00. I walked to the park with Nelson and spent an hour standing there chatting with the other dog mums and occasionally yelling at Nelson when he was too much of a bully. An hour was WAY too long, and again I’m kicking myself for not pacing correctly. I was in full toddler mode when I finally wobbled in the door – too tired to know if I should cry, or go to bed. Guy sat me on the couch, fed Nelson and then fed me and I watched some abc iview shows in bed for the rest of the evening.

baby

Things I couldn’t do today: Get through the day without two naps. Wash a small amount of dishes without difficulty. Walk as far as I’d like with Nelson. Contribute in any way to the making of or cleaning up of dinner. Stay out of bed for a period of time longer than three hours.

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