Wednesday September 30

by Claire

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7am alarm; Zing! I love waking up and feeling like it’s going to be ok, that I’ll have some energy, and that doing the basic stuff isn’t going to be a battle.

I was playful over breakfast; Guy was marking essays and I was charming and captivating (aka really annoying) – singing, talking, laughing, playing with his hair. It was probably quite infantile the way I was craving interaction and attention, but I so rarely feel like me that when I have the energy to switch on my personality I can accidentally put it into overdrive.

After breakfast I got dressed and had a rest while I dragged myself through the last hour of Bathory. This is not a good film. Except for the costumes. After that I put on a load of washing and went SHOPPING! I dearly need some new clothes, and going shopping is something that is quite difficult to do. I drove to Southland and visited a shoe shop and two clothes shops. I tried on a few things in each store but alas nothing suited. After store number three I was flagging and so made my way back to the car. If I had been pacing properly I would have left after two shops, but it’s very hard to be disciplined when doing things is just so wonderful.

I got home before the washing cycle had finished. I was probably out of the house for an hour, tops. I rested in front of the telly and then made myself some lunch (avocado and cheese on rice thins, mmmmm) before hanging out the washing.

Hanging up the washing took it out of me, so I planned to rest in bed for a little bit, then take Nelson for a walk, then rest again so I would have energy for dinner out with a friend that evening. Three hours later I woke up feeling much better, had a cup of tea, washed the sleep out of my eyes and went over to a friend’s house for dinner.

Seeing my friend was just wonderful. I took a bottle of wine and felt almost like my normal self. I sat in the kitchen and chatted as she prepared dinner. Again, I don’t like feeling like a lazy slug, but I know that this friend understands that I have limitations. It was all going so well, and seeing a good friend was really giving me a spark of energy. And then after dinner we had a cup of tea.

I knew I shouldn’t have done it; but I was just having so much fun talking to a friend again (and a cup of tea was probably a good idea after the last glass of wine) and I just didn’t want to leave. Now the whole point of pacing is that I leave BEFORE I start to feel tired, and that way although I end up doing slightly less, I always have lots of energy left, and that energy goes back into my body and speeds up the healing process. But instead of being responsible I was greedy, and as I walked to the car I felt all the euphoria from being with a friend fade, and the exhaustion crept back in.

Things I couldn’t do today: Be happy and mildly animated for under an hour without needing to rest for an equal amount of time immediately after. Try on more than 5 items of clothing in a shopping trip. Be disciplined and deny myself a fun activity in order to save my energy. Help a friend cook dinner and have enough energy left over to actually talk to her afterwards.

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