Hope, and other emotions

by Claire

Since moving to the coast to escape the car fumes that were making me so sick I have improved. A lot. I can walk, drive myself places, go shopping, I shower regularly and cook and clean occasionally. The improvement to my quality of life has been significant, but I am still far from the energetic, capable person I was over a year ago. I still can’t live a ‘normal’ life, work, or take care of myself.

Hopefully all that is about to change.

My generous parents have bought me the IQAir Healthpro 250; an air purifier that will clean the air of the chemicals I am allergic to – things like formaldehyde, mould and dust. Fingers crossed that my fatigue symptoms are being caused predominantly by my allergies. Eliminating them once and for all could be the key, and I could make a full recovery in three weeks. Or my condition could be more complicated than that and this will only help a little bit. Or it could not help at all.

Currently I feel a little like this:

conflicting emotions pic

I am ecstatic at the thought that this could all be over, I am so full of hope that this will work. I am terrified that it won’t. I have been buzzing for the last two days from excitement and my mood is buoyant (hyper), but super fragile, as though at any moment I might burst into tears. I know I have nothing to lose by investing myself so whole-heartedly in the hope that this will work. But if it doesn’t work out the disappointment will be bitter and I know from last time that it can take a while to recover from shattered expectations.

Because I spent the last few days being completely wired – sometimes physically trembling from the excitement – I am spending today in bed, mostly just staring at the machine, breathing deeply and willing it to work on me.

Here’s hoping!

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